Meditative State

The last few weeks are upon me. My time in Seville is drawing to a close. Yet I am not disturbed by this fact, nor do I wish time would slow so I might have that much more time here. I have no regrets of how I spent my time here, and it has come to the point where I am ready to be home again.

I have today decided to begin meditating with some regularity. Chances are high that this goal, like so many work out regimens; early morning wake ups; healthy eating; and writing goals before it, will be lost to my procrastinating nature or in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Yet I have meditated today, only for a short while, and it has cleared my mind.

Before I closed my eyes at my first true attempt at meditation, I reread Max Ehrmann's Desiderata, an essay about how to proceed through life that I have always taken to heart. But there is one line, the final statement in the essay, that stayed with me when I had cleared my mind of all else: "Strive to be happy." Even while focusing on my heart beat and my breathing, those four words continued to scroll through my mind. "Strive to be happy." I wonder now what that actually means to me, and I am forced to question what I strive for, forced to question the things in my life that truly make me happy. I don't believe enough people practice this.

What does make me happy? The short answer is my friends, my family, travel, new experiences. But these are rather vague generalities, even in my own mind. Within these headings, I feel I could write for years and still not fully capture what these different things are that bring me joy. But if I were to write them, would they still be the precious ephemeral things that I hold in my mind? Would solidifying them, placing them into a corporeal state, such as it is, diminish them in any way? I do not know. I honestly am intimidated by the idea, so for now they will maintain their ethereal nature. For now, I will ponder my memories, reliving the past, examining my actions and those I have chosen to surround myself with. For I am happy in life, if lonely being parted from my chosen, and although I generally know why that is, for my own peace of mind I will explore my own reasons. It is not mentally healthy to go off assumptions, after all.

There is one question, apart from myself, that recurs often when I am in this philosophical state. Do people question and examine themselves? Furthermore, do they question what is beyond them? Do they strive for their own happiness or do they strive for what they are told will bring them happiness? For the most part, I don't think many do. In my own experience, before I began my own Socratic journey, I had not questioned my motives for actions, had not questioned my actions or behavior. In my own experience, the time I did not spend questioning myself and forcing myself to see who I truly was and what I truly wanted was an unhappy time. I allowed myself to be influenced by others to an unhealthy degree and suffered for it. This is my own experience. I do not know of the experiences of others in this regard, whether looking at themselves from a (attempted) objective perspective has brought them happiness or sadness. It would make for an interesting survey.

For now, I will continue these last few weeks, trying to make the most of my time. That may be difficult with the hefty assignments beginning to bear down on me, but I will try nonetheless. I do not want to look back on this journey and have the regret that I missed something. But also will I not regret returning home. I miss everyone more than they imagine.