Christmas is upon us. The eve when the star appeared over a stable to signal the coming of the Son of God is here. It is a time of family, of giving, of reflection, and of love. Granted, most of these coincide. But my question is this. If all of these things make up the spirit of Christmas, does the exclusion of one also exclude the entire spirit? This is what it seems to me, though I am not entirely sure why.
As I've grown, in age, experience, and knowledge, the spirit has left me. Christmas Day almost seems an inconvenience more than a day of giving. Yet I believe it is merely that what I perceive more closely as my family has changed. Of course, my blood relatives, my parents and my brother and sister, are still family. But I have grown apart from them to a much greater degree than I expected I would, and in a much shorter time period. The people I love and spend the majority of my time with are what I believe I need to recapture the spirit of my lost childhood. It has only been a week and a half since I left those same people, and I have missed them from nearly the moment I left.
If only those same people could be a part of my Christmas, I'm sure I would feel the same excitement waking up Christmas morning that I did when I was younger, believing that Santa Claus had left everyone lots of presents. I miss that excitement, and I would do anything to recapture it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
The Nature of my Spirit
A light rain falls. It wets my hair, though the hood of my sweatshirt supposedly protects it. I walk along a darkened lane between the headstones; never frightening, they now generate a certain friendliness as they signify that I am almost home. The rain falls a little heavier, knocking the autumn leaves to the ground. Brown, orange, red: any number of variances of these colors swirl around me, leaving me feeling vaguely like one of them. Is this an omen of falling...or failing?
Darkness is complete, above and around me. The misty lights of electric torches shine weakly on the many-times crunched leaves beneath my own feet. I see some kind of symbolism in this, though I do not recognize it. But for some reason, an alien thing inside me awakens, though it never sleeps for long. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes, though I mightily try to hold them back. The fresh rain mixes with the salty tears streaming down my cheeks that have no origin or purpose.
Such is the nature of my spirit these days.
Darkness is complete, above and around me. The misty lights of electric torches shine weakly on the many-times crunched leaves beneath my own feet. I see some kind of symbolism in this, though I do not recognize it. But for some reason, an alien thing inside me awakens, though it never sleeps for long. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes, though I mightily try to hold them back. The fresh rain mixes with the salty tears streaming down my cheeks that have no origin or purpose.
Such is the nature of my spirit these days.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
That Cold Moon
I cannot hide
That which is inside
Open gaping maw
Beneath my floating heart.
I leave a second
A minute leaves me
I stand outside Walking away.
The moon shines down Partly obscured,
The man gives a little half-grin.
Shadowing his cold face
Mine own grimaces.
That which is inside
Open gaping maw
Beneath my floating heart.
I leave a second
A minute leaves me
I stand outside Walking away.
The moon shines down Partly obscured,
The man gives a little half-grin.
Shadowing his cold face
Mine own grimaces.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Strangely enough....
It's a strange thing, very peculiar. I can't quite describe it...there are no words. It is everything and it is nothing. It is understanding and it is jealousy. It's everything I want to be with the things I can't stand.
But no matter. I have no hand in this. It seems fate has decreed that I join the ranks of those victims of its pranks. But is this a prank? Could this actually be truth? If it is a prank, it is the cruelest trick to play. Not that it hasn't been played before or will be played again, but it is cruel nonetheless.
It is the shining star light years away. It is the burning fire in the hearth before me, inside me. Is there naught to be done for this...affliction, if affliction it is? Or is this rather a cure with the worst kinds of side effects? I do not know. This is something new, and yet it is ancient beyond memory. I have known this before, yet it is still alien. I have learned and understood this, but it has transformed into an entirely new mystery. I could never win at Clue, so how can I plan to figure out this challenge?
There is the greatest distance between us, and yet we are only separated by a few feet. We have gapped this distance before, and likely will again. In the meanwhile, am I to suffer needlessly, constantly stressing over the little comment that could mean anything? I guess so. That is the way of this mystery. First, the mystery itself is discovered. Then the fretting over who could possibly be the culprit. I have already solved that one. That was the easy part. The next part is usually the easiest part...capturing the culprit. For me....this is no little task. I have no Scooby-Dooesque plan that could randomly catch the bad guy. I have no SWAT team standing by to blow the doors in and arrest everyone and holding the real evil guy. No, I only have me. Just me, the way I am, what I've done, and what I believe.
Is this a strong enough rope? Is it enough?
But no matter. I have no hand in this. It seems fate has decreed that I join the ranks of those victims of its pranks. But is this a prank? Could this actually be truth? If it is a prank, it is the cruelest trick to play. Not that it hasn't been played before or will be played again, but it is cruel nonetheless.
It is the shining star light years away. It is the burning fire in the hearth before me, inside me. Is there naught to be done for this...affliction, if affliction it is? Or is this rather a cure with the worst kinds of side effects? I do not know. This is something new, and yet it is ancient beyond memory. I have known this before, yet it is still alien. I have learned and understood this, but it has transformed into an entirely new mystery. I could never win at Clue, so how can I plan to figure out this challenge?
There is the greatest distance between us, and yet we are only separated by a few feet. We have gapped this distance before, and likely will again. In the meanwhile, am I to suffer needlessly, constantly stressing over the little comment that could mean anything? I guess so. That is the way of this mystery. First, the mystery itself is discovered. Then the fretting over who could possibly be the culprit. I have already solved that one. That was the easy part. The next part is usually the easiest part...capturing the culprit. For me....this is no little task. I have no Scooby-Dooesque plan that could randomly catch the bad guy. I have no SWAT team standing by to blow the doors in and arrest everyone and holding the real evil guy. No, I only have me. Just me, the way I am, what I've done, and what I believe.
Is this a strong enough rope? Is it enough?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Star Poetry
Above me shining in nightly radiance
Are the stars twinkling, clouded by earthly luminance.
I long for the darkness, crisp and clear,
Where might I but listen for those dear
Evening breaths of this star so near.
Yet worldly strains constrain me
And higher bounds contain thee,
Such that I must strain to glimpse thee
But you doth fain release me.
And so I reach with heart alive
To glance upon and thus contrive
A pardon for weary soul's reprieve.
And thus the nightly lights be set
And thus to shade reason's counterfeit.
Are the stars twinkling, clouded by earthly luminance.
I long for the darkness, crisp and clear,
Where might I but listen for those dear
Evening breaths of this star so near.
Yet worldly strains constrain me
And higher bounds contain thee,
Such that I must strain to glimpse thee
But you doth fain release me.
And so I reach with heart alive
To glance upon and thus contrive
A pardon for weary soul's reprieve.
And thus the nightly lights be set
And thus to shade reason's counterfeit.
Nighttime Musings
When you say good night
Do I fill your dreams?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you save one beautiful smile
For the idiotic quip I made?
When you say good night
Do you truly wish me pleasant dreams?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you gaze at the stars
And remember our night on the ledge?
When you say good night
Do you look forward to seeing me?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you see me above you,
Loving and defending your sleeping form?
When you say good night,
Before you slip into your dreams,
Do you think of me?
Because I think of you...
Do I fill your dreams?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you save one beautiful smile
For the idiotic quip I made?
When you say good night
Do you truly wish me pleasant dreams?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you gaze at the stars
And remember our night on the ledge?
When you say good night
Do you look forward to seeing me?
Before you slip into your dreams
Do you see me above you,
Loving and defending your sleeping form?
When you say good night,
Before you slip into your dreams,
Do you think of me?
Because I think of you...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
What constitutes a lie? (Part 1)
As I think hard on this topic, I realize that the tile is almost a misnomer. It should rather be "What does NOT constitute a lie?"
The most obvious component of a lie is a falsehood. This could be of commission OR omission. Keeping the truth withheld can often be the most devastating portion of a lie. Though commission requires a fraud of the mind, omission is often a fraud of both mind and heart.
One might ask how the knife that does not leave the sheath can draw blood? This is true. It would not. The lie of omission, however, does not leave the blade covered. Rather, it forces the victim to draw it himself, forces him to drag it across his own flesh and score his own body. In this way, the lie of omission is the most destructive once uncovered.
Lies of commission are probably the most common today. Kids lie to their parents about where they were. Boyfriends lie to their girlfriends about what they did. Friends lie to friends about how they feel. They fabricate information to deceive. Granted, this is the generally accepted definition of a lie. Overall, however, a lie is told to PROTECT! Yes, that's right. A falsehood that can cause pain and suffering is told to defend from such pain and suffering.
Think about it. In high school, you come home after curfew. Your parents are waiting up, preparing to berate you for breaking curfew, readying the gauntlet of questions everyone still living at home has an overwhelming irrational fear of. And what does the kid say? We got caught in traffic. We had a flat tire. We stopped by McDonalds to grab a bite. And though parents more often than not do not believe these excuses (even when they might just happen to be truthful), they allow it to pass. Thus, the lie is excused, and the kid is protected from unfortunate circumstances.
Consider a different example. Two friends, a guy and a girl, have been friends for a long time. They have an excellent relationship, they always have fun together, and they are there for each other in times of need. BUT the guy has always harbored a secret crush on his friend, that perhaps someday they could be more than friends. Yet, when he finally makes his move, she tells him regretfully that they have a special friendship, that she doesn't see him as anything more than a friend. She says she's sorry, but the guy brushes it off. No big deal. Hey, I'm fine. It was just an idle thought. That kind of thing. He waits until he's alone to let the devastating disappointment hit him in the gut, where he can collapse without fear of damaging what he DOES have with her. In this case, the protection was not self-defense, but rather the protection of something the guy felt more important than himself.
In the end, a lie seeks to protect: oneself, one's friends, one's enterprises, etc. Yet lies are frowned upon in society, truth is held up as the standard of virtue, simply because lies, IF uncovered, and that's a very big if in many many cases, can cause untold harm. Even Socrates questioned the derogatory stance humanity takes to lies!
Anyone reading this might think I condone lying. In certain circumstances, I do. Lying to the Nazis about the Jews hiding in your attic, for example (and this just reinforces my protection theory of lies). In my own life, I try to be as honest as possible, just on the off chance that a lie MAY come back to bite me in the ass. But as I recently discovered, in multiple senses of the word, it is not my lies that hurt me the most.
The most obvious component of a lie is a falsehood. This could be of commission OR omission. Keeping the truth withheld can often be the most devastating portion of a lie. Though commission requires a fraud of the mind, omission is often a fraud of both mind and heart.
One might ask how the knife that does not leave the sheath can draw blood? This is true. It would not. The lie of omission, however, does not leave the blade covered. Rather, it forces the victim to draw it himself, forces him to drag it across his own flesh and score his own body. In this way, the lie of omission is the most destructive once uncovered.
Lies of commission are probably the most common today. Kids lie to their parents about where they were. Boyfriends lie to their girlfriends about what they did. Friends lie to friends about how they feel. They fabricate information to deceive. Granted, this is the generally accepted definition of a lie. Overall, however, a lie is told to PROTECT! Yes, that's right. A falsehood that can cause pain and suffering is told to defend from such pain and suffering.
Think about it. In high school, you come home after curfew. Your parents are waiting up, preparing to berate you for breaking curfew, readying the gauntlet of questions everyone still living at home has an overwhelming irrational fear of. And what does the kid say? We got caught in traffic. We had a flat tire. We stopped by McDonalds to grab a bite. And though parents more often than not do not believe these excuses (even when they might just happen to be truthful), they allow it to pass. Thus, the lie is excused, and the kid is protected from unfortunate circumstances.
Consider a different example. Two friends, a guy and a girl, have been friends for a long time. They have an excellent relationship, they always have fun together, and they are there for each other in times of need. BUT the guy has always harbored a secret crush on his friend, that perhaps someday they could be more than friends. Yet, when he finally makes his move, she tells him regretfully that they have a special friendship, that she doesn't see him as anything more than a friend. She says she's sorry, but the guy brushes it off. No big deal. Hey, I'm fine. It was just an idle thought. That kind of thing. He waits until he's alone to let the devastating disappointment hit him in the gut, where he can collapse without fear of damaging what he DOES have with her. In this case, the protection was not self-defense, but rather the protection of something the guy felt more important than himself.
In the end, a lie seeks to protect: oneself, one's friends, one's enterprises, etc. Yet lies are frowned upon in society, truth is held up as the standard of virtue, simply because lies, IF uncovered, and that's a very big if in many many cases, can cause untold harm. Even Socrates questioned the derogatory stance humanity takes to lies!
Anyone reading this might think I condone lying. In certain circumstances, I do. Lying to the Nazis about the Jews hiding in your attic, for example (and this just reinforces my protection theory of lies). In my own life, I try to be as honest as possible, just on the off chance that a lie MAY come back to bite me in the ass. But as I recently discovered, in multiple senses of the word, it is not my lies that hurt me the most.
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